I prematurely ejaculate sometimes, it’s not a big deal, every guy does it from time to time. At least that’s
what all us guys have agreed upon, whether or not that’s actually true, it doesn't even matter. It
gives us that safety net just in case we need it. “Ugh I’m sorry girl, we all
do it sometimes.” Then we’ve got to say something smooth or they may think we’re
still chumps. But we don’t really care, because we also agreed that the female
orgasm is a myth, so what’s it matter? More troubling though, I think I’m a
premature masturbator. It’s not like I beat off in a line for coffee because I can’t
wait to get home. I just started jerking
off at a young age, before I even knew what I was feeling, it wasn’t sexual. It
just felt great. The first time I realized I could do it while looking at stuff
I was holding a Bull Moose bag with that single exposed titty on it. Just one
titty and fourteen heads. It may have crossed some wires. I find Michelangelo
drawings erotic. Da Vinci’s Vitruvian Man, oh man, I want to meet him. I would
say I feel more horny than hungry at any given time of the day. Too bad my
biggest fear in life is having a surprise baby. You can imagine how stressed out
I get. I have nothing to warrant having a kid right now. This isn’t about my
commitment issues, I just having nothing to offer them. The job of a dad is to
teach their kids how to survive and get by in the world and right now I’m skating
on thin ice myself. I started stockpiling ramen and dry beans just a week ago.
I can’t fix a sink. I can’t repair a car engine. What the fuck? I could call a
professional, that would be fine, if I understood the proper value of things.
But I don’t. I’m terrible with value. I went to a taping of The Price is Right
once and they didn’t even give me a name tag. A few years ago I sold my truck.
It couldn’t get a sticker and it wasn’t worth the repairs so I found a guy on
craigslist to buy it for scrap metal. He came over a little later and we shot
the shit for a few minutes and then he asked me how much I wanted for the
truck? Now I didn’t know he had just made the first move in the bartering process. I thought we were just two guys talking, so I said,“ Honestly,”which is not how you want to
start your opening bid,“Honestly, I’d like to get three hundred for it.”And
that was true, I did want to get three hundred for it, but he shouldn’t have
known that. I had undercut myself. So he
quickly says, “I’ll give you two hundred.” And I said “SOLD.” It was the
quickest deal ever made. And now, come to think of it, that truck was probably
worth repairing. How is a guy like me supposed to succeed as a dad?. Yeah right.
I’m so paranoid about it I don’t allow the word “baby” during dirty talk
anymore. I can’t let that word hang out there in the ether, for the universe to
misinterpret like a mischievous genie,
telling me I should have been more careful with my words.
“Universe, I was having sex. I was just saying , “yeah baby,” like baby as a
term of endearment. I didn’t say I
wanted a child.”
“Well Douglas, you were doing the one thing that creates a
baby, and you were saying, “yeah baby,” so here is your baby. Don’t fuck this
one.”
That would be a funny television show. The Universe and I share an
apartment together. It’s always being a smartass but helping me learn about
myself. I would watch that. Would you? Just something new to think about.
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